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When is it going to click with everyone that you just can’t trust anyone (including yourself it would seem) with pics and/or videos of you in the altogether? What on earth makes you think they’re going to remain private! Regardless of who took them, it is almost inevitable that your revealing photoshoot is going to find its way onto a phone or computer somewhere and before you can say “OMG! No one was supposed to even see those!” you are going to end up getting your 15 minutes whether you want them or not!

It seems to be a fact of life these days. People who take the pics themselves inevitably want to share them with someone who will want to share them with lots of other someones etc, etc,  and if it’s someone else behind the lens, well…same thing, but I don’t think it’s really the most desirable way to become a famous internet or otherwise sensation and if you think it is then just wait until it happens and see how you feel then. Trust me hon, should those nudie shots go viral you may have some serious second thoughts about having your naked smiling self out there but by then it’s way, way too late and the damage is like, so done!  Then you can be absolutely sure that sooner or later, but probably sooner, everyone from your siblings to your parents, your boss and even Aunty Doris (everyone has an Aunty Doris, even if her name is Joan or Evangeline) are going to hear about them and eventually see them and it probably won’t work in your favour.

The heads-up is that they’ll be far from delighted and you can spout “artistic” and “tastefully done” until you’re blue in the face but it won’t make a shred of difference. You could try and bluff your way out of it by claiming that it just isn’t you in those shots but hey, anyone who knows you well is going to know it is.  Sobbing hysterically and swearing blind that you had no idea anyone could be so crass as to put them online probably won’t cut it either as you did pose for them after all and common sense should have told you otherwise.

Is it clicking with you yet? No? Okay then, as well as your family being very peed off with you, your Significant Other (if they weren’t in on the shoot, let alone the posting) may also get a tad antsy and could even take it a bit further and walk and then one morning your boss will call you in to his/her office to advise you that your position with the company has been terminated and you can leave immediately.

But aside from the above there’s also the embarrassment. Seriously, you will so wish you had never shed your gear for those shots and will spend an awfully long time trying to live them down and if you were sharing space in those shots with another and…well…doing things… you may as well crawl under the doona now and just stay there for the rest of your life. It’s what you’ll feel like doing anyway.

So now do you get it? Never take shots like that of yourself and never, ever, ever let anyone else take shots like that of you no matter what they say about keeping the images “just between us”. They won’t okay! In today’s world of speedy electronic transfer, naked you could go international in seconds but the aftermath will linger for a lot longer and the fallout could be catastrophic.

Now, are we clear on this? Are we sure? Right! Then put your bloody clothes on and go home!

 

So what’s with all the lower case “i” words? Yes I know, they have been popping up all over the place for a while now but where did it all start, where’s it all going and…well…why the “i”?

Okay, I’ve seen the little “i” attached to electronic toys, mobile phones, computers, cars and MP3 players and I’m kind of guessing it means “intelligent” or  “innovative” or some other word and I’ve caught the drift that the little “i” is intended to attach instant cool to an otherwise everyday object (except Vegemite. iSnack 2.0 just didn’t do it for me. Or for Vegemite) but hey, I’ve seen it so often now that I just have to know why it’s happening and please, what does it mean!

Questions aside though, there’s something else about the little “i” that’s  starting to concern me. In today’s world of adopting some truly creative spellings for christian names, are we going to start seeing some prefixed with a lower case “i”? Like iTaylor,  iDean or iShaun some time in the near future? So far as I know (rap artists possibly excepted) no one has caught on to this and I sincerely hope to heaven I haven’t started something here but everytime I see another word kicking off with that lower case “i” my mind starts to wander and before I can stop myself I find myself thinking. iWayne, iTrevor…? OMG! iDakota-Jaimilee-Something! No, no, noooooooo!

See what I mean? My mind starts “doing things” and it’s not always good. Must not let mind wander too randomly over lower case “i”! Sure, it could have been the brainchild of someone just out to perplex people (like me) and that little letter doesn’t mean a darned thing but I think it’s more likely that it actually does mean something. Intrepid? Inexplicable? In…in…wait! I’ve got it, I’ve got it! Information! That’s it, isn’t it! (oh please, let that be it). I’ve even seen signs that have a really big little “i” followed by words like “Information Desk” and “Information Bay” etc. Someone decided it was a cute way to say their product was informative. Except that doesn’t cut it with MP3 players unless music can be deemed in some way to be informative. Doesn’t work on cars either.

Okay, so maybe “information” is not it after all and maybe I should just forget about what it all means and just go with the flow. Maybe even get a little “i” something gadget and be done with it. Maybe I should have just Googled it and come to think of it, maybe that’s not a bad idea. Can’t believe I’ve just written a blog post about it!

Incredible!

This is something I actually wrote in 2007 (Publisher assignment for TAFE) but it struck me as  relevent for my first blog post because we all have to start somewhere and every writer who has ever become an overnight success has probably just come through the longest night of their life!

The Unknown Writer: The Pitfalls with Starting from Scratch.

Desire: This is the state of mind that haunts you day and night because you just know you can write. No really, you can! You then discover that your talents lie in columnist work and focus on developing one that works for you. It also works for your friends, your partner, the delivery guy and your mother.

You set up a workspace on the end of the dining table and start writing. You relocate to a vacant corner of the lounge room, move again to a seldom-used section of the kitchen bench top, check out the walk-in robe and eventually stake out the bench in the laundry. You write, dream and casually consider giving up your day job. You end up doing the washing because it’s overflowed onto your “desk”.

Writer’s Block: This condition comes into immediate effect when you venture from the laundry and enter the reception area of the first publication on your list. As an unknown you are highly unlikely to clap eyes on the editor, something you will get used to as you work your way down your list. Frustration will set in however before you come to the end and may prompt you to demand of the coiffed one behind the reception desk to either call the editor or at least allow you to leave your work for perusal.

Save your breath. These people have never heard of you and, talented or not, you are only a sought after commodity if you can answer “yes” to one or more of the following:

1.  You or your family have connections with or own the publication.

2.  You are royalty, either by birth or marriage.

3.  Ditto one of your siblings.

4.  You are Old Money.

5.  Your spouse is an actor.

6.  You have achieved fame via sport, reality television, YouTube or text messaging.

If you are unable to allude, even vaguely, to any of the above then you will ineviatably encounter writer’s block at every turn. Your ability to evade it is directly related to how determined you are to make it.

Strategies: Resist the allure of a couple of pills and a good lie down. Your retreat to the laundry should not be perceived as a defeat. View it rather as an opportunity to catch your breath and regroup.

The market is awash with printed matter so use the down time for research as some publications will not be suitable vehicles for your column. Cull the non viable stuff and scrap the random sorties. Focus instead on more promising targets. Next, pull out your best work, compose a catchy cover letter and send it out post-haste to the publications of your choice. Make it easy for them to get in touch with you…as well as your own contact details include those of your parents, grandparents, the vet, your best friend and even the delivery guy again.

Now take up a hobby. You’ll need something to occupy your mind while waiting for a reply. You could also catch up on the washing.

Writer’s Block II: If you are still waiting for replies I commend your patience but feel this may be a good time to advise you that they’re unlikely to materialize in the near future. Even the distant one is a bit iffy.

Thus having staked out the telephone and the letter box in vain, you should step in and do a follow-up, a further follow-up and then another one and after a few more you should get a response. Of sorts. You may then feel free to respond in kind and two little words will usually suffice.

At this point you may want to review your desire to see yourself in print. Like, do you really, reeeeeeeally want this? If, after much deliberation, you conclude that you still do and would even swallow roadkill whole while whistling Dixie if it meant guaranteed column space then by all means go for the throat.

Tactical Response: Following your recovery from the stomach pump, declare yourself a victim and sue the mongrels, citing discrimination (refer list, Writer’s Block) and the psychological impact on your quality of life as a result of being prevented from realising your true potential. Then use that potential to do justice with any/all of the following:

1.  You have developed a severe depression.

2.  And an eating disorder.

3.  Ditto any other psychotic condition that sounds good.

4.  Believe you have been robbed of the lifestyle to which you just know you could have happily become accustomed.

5.  Are completely over the lifestyle you currently have (sigh).

6.  And above all else…convince someone that it has also totalled your sex life as this has the potential to add several zeros to the payout.

A good lawyer is invaluable in situations such as these as they can be very creative and are therefore worth every cent of the exhorbitant fee.

Following the lawyer’s cut, if the payout is not quite enough to purchase the publication outright, it should be sufficient to allow you to buy a substantial block of shares in the parent company thereby ensuring the much desired columnist’s slot as you now possess at least one of the prerequisites (see Writer’s Block again).

Congratulations!

If you wish you may now go ahead anyway and hawk a sibling around the royal houses of Europe, sign up for Big Brother/Australian Idol/Biggest Loser/Next Reality Show or go public with those text messages from that Famous Person. It’s entirely up to you.

Any on of them would make a great column!